Mother's Day Remembrances

Mother's Day Cards from thoughtful family and friends on my first Mother's Day since my son passed away. The Mother and son Willow Tree figurine is from my friend, Sue who also lost a son 7 years ago.

Reflections on another in a series of "Firsts"

The new RV

     Yesterday was yet another in a series of "firsts", since my only child passed away in December, leaving a void in my life as wide as the sky and as deep as the ocean. 
     Not only was it Mother's Day, but it also would have been my son's 25th birthday and to be honest, I was not looking forward to it! Since I didn't know how I would get through the day, without feelings of deep sadness and extreme sorrow. I debated about how I wanted to spend the day, but I knew in my heart that no matter what I did, it would be a difficult day.          
     I did my best to be open and honest with my friends asking for their prayers that God's sustaining grace would be very evident to me as it had been during the days immediately following my son's death. 
     My husband and I recently purchased a new RV and we have been preparing it for a road trip to visit my half sister in Tulsa in mid May, so we eventually decided to take the RV for a "dry run" and we located a camping site 60 miles south of the Twin Cities. 
     Saturday was sunny and warm and there was a biking/walking trail nearby. After a walk, we grilled and ate our evening meal outdoors on the picnic table where the thought occurred to me that Cullen, like me was always so happy when we were spending time outdoors. We always said that we would live outdoors 24/7 if we could. Thinking that Heaven must be like that - being outdoors all the time with perfect climate control! I also am quite hopeful that there is a heated swimming pool where we can swim to our hearts content because that was another one of our favorite activities.  
     Sunday morning, when I awoke the sun was shining, but I l could see dark clouds on the horizon and it wasn't long before I began to hear the raindrops on the roof. I imagined the raindrops to be teardrops from heaven for all the mothers in the world who have either lost a child or who are childless - God sharing in our suffering if you will. 
     What a personal God we serve!

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Prov. 27:6

Do you have anyone in your life who is willing to tell you not just what you want to hear, but who loves you enough to tell you what you NEED to hear? I have observed that MOST people do not want to know the truth about themselves and how their behavior affects other people. I believe that one of the reasons people do not want to hear the truth is because they do not want to change or they don't realize that change is possible or they don't understand the impact that change can have in their lives for good. It is often said about people who struggle with addictions, that they only become willing to change only when the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of changing. For most people who live addictive lifestyles, a lot of mass destruction has to occur in their lives before they are willing to stop what their doing and seek the help they need to change. So, how about you? Do you find yourself surrounding yourself only with people who tell you what you want to hear or do you invite people who tell you what you need to hear? Do you embrace or resist change?

He Restores My Soul

      The 23rd Psalm was in the front cover of the Bible my grandfather gave me for Christmas when I was 5 years old. The Bible was a children's Bible and it had a beautiful cover with a picture of Jesus, sitting in a field on a rock or a tree stump holding a child on his lap, with other children surrounding them and sheep grazing in the lush green grass in the background. A beautiful, serene picture that drew me in, comforted me and stirred a deep longing in my heart to be in that place of safety and security.
      At the time my brother and I were living with a foster family who had 4 children of their own. 3 boys who were close to our age and a girl who was in high school and called me her little sister. The family attended a Missionary Alliance Church that was within walking distance of their house. I loved going to church with them on Sunday where there was lots of signing, praying and preaching. The people were friendly and showered me with lots of much needed attention.
      I spent the first 4 years of my life living with my natural parents who were neglectful due to their own brokeness. My father was alcoholic and my mom was co-dependent.  We lived in chaos and confusion and we moved several times during those early years. One the houses we lived in was owned by a couple who kept foster children. When my mom left my brother and me with our dad when I was 4 years old and my brother was 5, my dad took us to the couples house who kept foster children. He asked them to keep us until he could find work and then he would come back to get us. I don't remember how long we were there, but eventually a social worker came to pick us up and we went to live with the family who had the four children.
     The family treated my brother and me like they treated their other children and we felt loved. I don't know how long we lived with them, but I do remember celebrating Christmas with them - one of the few magical experiences that I remember having as a child. My favorite presents were a Chatty Cathy doll that my dad gave me and the children's Bible that my grandpa gave me.
     Sometime the following spring, the family we were living with made a very difficult decision to move to Baltimore to be near Johns Hopkins hospital where one of their sons was being treated for a heart defect and was to have major open heart surgery. Many years later when I was re-united with the family, I learned that he was the first child in the U.S. to recieve a permanent heart pacemaker! I also learned then that the family wanted to take us with them when they moved, but our parents wouldn't give their consent. My brother and I returned to the family that my father had left us with when he went to "look for work". And so began a very difficult, confusing and painful chapter in my life. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want"........

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Gen.1:27

     Have you ever wondered what is meant by the following passage, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them"? I have often pondered the meaning of this verse, because so many people do not, in my mind's eye reflect God's image. But what does God look like? Jesus said in John 4:24, God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” Therefore I should presume that God does not have a physical body - since no one has ever seen Him. So it stands to reason that the reference is to our spirits being created in God's image and obviously we cannot "see" another persons spirit. We can only see their physical image. Yet, people exist as body and soul together and both are intricately intertwined to make us the unique person we are.
     When I was in my 20's and 30's my goal in life was to have a "perfect body", so I worked out and tried to eat healthy to keep my body in shape.  I was not aware that I was neglecting my soul. I had brought into the lie that is promoted in our culture that all that mattered was how I looked and looking good was of utmost importance.
     When I turned 40, all that began to change when God began to tug at my heart and I realized the emptiness in my soul. At first it was very disconcerting, but little by little as I studied God's word, I began to understand why my life was in such turmoil.
     My life as I knew it completely unraveled - my only child was diagnosed with a life threatening illness, I quit my 10 year job as a nurse to care for him, my marriage fell apart, my child became completely disabled and eventually he and I moved to another city 1700 miles away leaving friends and family and everything we knew behind.
     Not long after moving to a "strange and foreign land", I had the oppotunity to attend a Joyce Myers conference.  She walked onto the stage and said, "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." I began to cry because I knew that the Lord was speaking to me and ministering to my broken heart. That's when I placed my trust fully in Him, to restore my soul.